One Week Postpartum

It has now been one week since Rebecca has joined our world. Even though she has been here a week, it seems as if it is a dream for me. It is very difficult to deal with the fact that her only world she knows is an incubator, which basically simulates a womb. She is limited to kangaroo time and visitors, Annabelle can't meet her little sister, and she uses a feeding tube. I am so overwhelmed with emotions I don't know where to start or how to process them. 

I love being a mom. I love hearing Annabelle say I love you, running to give me kisses and hugs, and having her hold my hand. These are the little things that mean the most to me. Last night I got to experience these items once agin at home for the first time in a month. I was so happy to be home with her but at the same time I felt guilty being there and leaving Rebecca by herself. I know both girls are in great hands no matter where I am, it's just hard not to be with both of them at the same time. I feel like I am only a half a mom to them both since I am not fully with them. I am constantly thinking of the other while I am with the one. It is an ongoing battle that will not get an easier. My emotions are all over the place and sometimes I just start crying. It is a lot to take in.

Rebecca continues to do well and has had her umbilical lines removed this week. Her jaundice is improving each day and her feeding amounts have increased. By the nights end she will be at 14 ml of my milk every 3 hours for feeding and then it will be fortified to give her more calories to help her pack on weight. Most of this amount is through her feeding tube and the rest we try a combination of using the nipple of a bottle with a syringe or an actual bottle. It all depends on her day and how tired she is that day. She is also starting to let the nurses know when it is feeding time which is a fantastic sign. Today I was able to hold her while trying to feed her. This was the first time she opened her eyes and looked directly at me while eating. She gave me the most wonderful present when she did this. It was a bonding moment.

It has been a really long week and we are all tired. John will be going back to work tomorrow which means I will see less of him and Annabelle until I can start driving again. We are taking each day at a time and continue to pray for Rebecca to keep gaining weight. We are shooting for 2 kg (~4.5 lbs) before she goes to the cath lab. Until we hit that weight, her treatment will just remain the same, to grow. She is back to 1.5 kg from starting diuretics but should start gaining weight again. She is tolerating her feeds and loves kangaroo time. She is also very reactive to pour voices and touch. She does not like cold at all and is very vocal about letting you know. 

I would not change being a mom for anything in the world. I know there are days that are very tough because your patience is tested but that is the best part of being a parent. Not only are you learning and evolving but you are also teaching your child at the same time. They follow your lead and look up to you for guidance. I am thankful Annabelle has such a strong daddy to teach and shower her with love while I provide this to Rebecca. We are very blessed to have our girls in our lives no matter the circumstances.