One Week Postpartum

It has now been one week since Rebecca has joined our world. Even though she has been here a week, it seems as if it is a dream for me. It is very difficult to deal with the fact that her only world she knows is an incubator, which basically simulates a womb. She is limited to kangaroo time and visitors, Annabelle can't meet her little sister, and she uses a feeding tube. I am so overwhelmed with emotions I don't know where to start or how to process them. 

I love being a mom. I love hearing Annabelle say I love you, running to give me kisses and hugs, and having her hold my hand. These are the little things that mean the most to me. Last night I got to experience these items once agin at home for the first time in a month. I was so happy to be home with her but at the same time I felt guilty being there and leaving Rebecca by herself. I know both girls are in great hands no matter where I am, it's just hard not to be with both of them at the same time. I feel like I am only a half a mom to them both since I am not fully with them. I am constantly thinking of the other while I am with the one. It is an ongoing battle that will not get an easier. My emotions are all over the place and sometimes I just start crying. It is a lot to take in.

Rebecca continues to do well and has had her umbilical lines removed this week. Her jaundice is improving each day and her feeding amounts have increased. By the nights end she will be at 14 ml of my milk every 3 hours for feeding and then it will be fortified to give her more calories to help her pack on weight. Most of this amount is through her feeding tube and the rest we try a combination of using the nipple of a bottle with a syringe or an actual bottle. It all depends on her day and how tired she is that day. She is also starting to let the nurses know when it is feeding time which is a fantastic sign. Today I was able to hold her while trying to feed her. This was the first time she opened her eyes and looked directly at me while eating. She gave me the most wonderful present when she did this. It was a bonding moment.

It has been a really long week and we are all tired. John will be going back to work tomorrow which means I will see less of him and Annabelle until I can start driving again. We are taking each day at a time and continue to pray for Rebecca to keep gaining weight. We are shooting for 2 kg (~4.5 lbs) before she goes to the cath lab. Until we hit that weight, her treatment will just remain the same, to grow. She is back to 1.5 kg from starting diuretics but should start gaining weight again. She is tolerating her feeds and loves kangaroo time. She is also very reactive to pour voices and touch. She does not like cold at all and is very vocal about letting you know. 

I would not change being a mom for anything in the world. I know there are days that are very tough because your patience is tested but that is the best part of being a parent. Not only are you learning and evolving but you are also teaching your child at the same time. They follow your lead and look up to you for guidance. I am thankful Annabelle has such a strong daddy to teach and shower her with love while I provide this to Rebecca. We are very blessed to have our girls in our lives no matter the circumstances.

The BIrth

People wondered how bored I was getting from being in the hospital so long. Honestly with how many people came and went in and out of my room from just the hospital staff, it never became a dull day. I also had my family who stopped by a lot and were life savers with food. Let me tell you how boring hospital food gets when they rotate through the same food every few days. Some days were better than others but having supplemental food really helped. I also had a lot of games/puzzles to keep me occupied.

As the weeks passed by in the hospital, I continued to try to have a positive attitude as much as possible. It has been very difficult to do this but don't get me wrong I did have some bad days. The nurses and doctors have tried to make it as easy as possible and provide comfort and support as much as they can. Each week I had two ultrasounds and two blood draws along with twice a day baby monitoring. It fell into a routine which made the days go by plus I was waking up pregnant and going to bed pregnant with the reassurance she was fine from all the tests.

I have now been in the hospital for one month. It has been a long month especially when it is during the holidays. I completely have stopped bleeding but my blood pressure was still running high, having headaches and my lab work was still showing I was pre-eclamptic but some how it seemed to be improving a little bit. On December 21, we went to our next growth ultrasound and found that she had a nice growth spurt. Rebecca was now weighing over 3 pounds which seemed very promising.

We started off that week with good news with Rebecca but suddenly Annabelle caught a nice stomach bug that night. This was my first time away from her when she was sick and it was very hard for me not to be there. Good thing she has an amazing Daddy! John took care of her throughout the week and she was finally feeling better by Christmas Eve. They were able to come down and see me for that day for a short period of time. Annabelle was excited to see me and I her. It made my night. I also got to watch her open presents through Facetime and enjoyed that moment.

Christmas day came and I Facetimed John and Annabelle again to watch her open up her presents. She was just fixated on her easel and wanted to paint all morning. I was ok with her only opening one present and so I watched her paint. Later in the day they were coming down to see me. That changed pretty quickly. John has now caught Annabelle's stomach bug. They both stayed away for a while to recover completely and to not bring the stomach bug to me. The next time I got to see Annabelle was on New Year's Eve. I was allowed to leave the hospital for a few hours and we went to my Dad's to allow Annabelle to play while I can maintain my bed rest. That was the best way to spend the last day of 2015, I got to see her laugh and play right in front of me, received lots of kisses and hugs from her and she was even wanting Mommy snuggles!! Best day in a while for me.

We officially made it to the New Year and a date has been set for her birth! Rebecca was still showing positive results with her daily monitoring and ultrasounds. As long as that continued we were set to welcome her on January 11 via c-section. We were also excited because we were just 3 days away from finding out her new weight. On January 3rd, I started going into labor again at 36 weeks. In order for me to make it as close as possible to 37 weeks, I was given IV fluids to help slow down the contractions. It helped and the contractions started to slow down and so we thought we  had bought more time.

Monday, January 4th was finally here. My appointment was set for 1:00 pm for her growth scan. The sonographer had to get her dopplers, biobhysical profiles and fetal scans. The biophysical profiles were all normal and she passed. When it came to her growth and dopplers, she did not pass. The sonographer told me the doctor would come to my room to discuss the results of the ultrasound. Obviously this was not good news.

The doctor finally showed up to my room around 5 pm to discuss the results. He informed me that she did not gain any weight in the past 2 weeks and that 2/3 of her dopplers were abnormal. We needed to deliver now before anything happens to her. Her best chance is during the day so that Children's Hospital would have a day with her to get her settled and stabilized. We were scheduled to have her the next day, January 5th at 12:30 pm.

The big day quickly approached and I became more nervous and anxious as the minutes ticked away. By this time, my contractions started to pick up in intensity and getting closer together. One way or the other Rebecca was coming. Since I did not go into labor with Annabelle, they weren't too concerned with me progressing anywhere close to where I would need to be before my c-section for a regular delivery. I continued to get IV fluids for the c-section and was taken back to the prep room. We were delayed due to the doctor being tied up with another patient. We waited almost an hour before we were taken back. Due to the circumstances, my sister Amber joined me in the OR while John stayed back so he could go with Rebecca and be there for her.

At 1:43 pm we welcomed our fighter Rebecca, weighing in at 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.5 inches long at 36 weeks 1 day, a premie. She came out with little tiny cries that made me start to cry because I was so happy she was able to breathe on her own. The NICU team took great care of her and assessed her quickly. She had great APGAR score and was giving them some cries. She did have a breathing mask on for a bit since she did swallow some fluid. She had to be suctioned out and given oxygen. Before they left the OR, I was able to touch her and give her a kiss.

While I was in recovery, John was with Rebecca in the NICU. They were able to get her stabilized and she also got baptized. I was in recovery for 2 hours. By the time my recovery ended, it was time for her to be transported. I was wheeled over to the NICU to see her before she left. I was even allowed to hold her for a few minutes before they left with her. It was such an emotional time, that I was so overwhelmed I did not know what to do. John followed her to Children's and spent the night with her. She had so many tests done last night, I don't know how he got through it by himself. I had trouble sleeping the whole night from hearing other babies cry right next to me to worrying about Rebecca.

The morning finally came and I was informed I am allowed a 4 hour pass to go see Rebecca as long as I am up to it and stable. My mom and dad came to get me and we rode over together. When I got there, I walked in on the best thing I could see, John and Rebecca together, having skin to skin contact. Talk about your heart melting.

I also was able to hold her for awhile too and it was the best feeling in the world. She is so tiny in our hands it amazes me how well Rebecca is doing and how stable she is for her size.

The doctor's informed us that no decision will be made about her course of treatment until Friday, which is when they will have there conference meeting with all the cardiologist and cardio thoracic surgeons. They want to make sure they have all the information they need to make the best informed decision as a collective group on what will be best for her. Until that day, we will wait and they will keep her stable.