We had 40 beautiful days with Rebecca, that is all the time in this world that we shared together. She has now been gone longer than we were able to hold and comfort her. My time with Rebecca will be cherished forever but that does not ease the pain nor does it bring her back. People are always asking me how am I holding up. I tell them what they want to hear because if I told them the truth they would regret asking. It is very difficult for me to write about this but trying to tell people how I feel, even John, is extremely hard.
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| Rebecca's letters that I finished for her room. |
No one can really understand the pain that I am going through unless you have lost a child yourself. It does not matter if that child was a miscarriage, stillborn, lasted a few days or was able to grow up to a teenager, the pain you feel due to their absence is indescribable. You are left with a big gaping hole in your heart and your mind goes completely numb. There is this everlasting fog that will not go away. There are some days where the fog is minimal and you can see through it but most days it is just the outlines of shapes and you can see objects close to you. People say I have to be strong, be there for John and Annabelle because they need me too. I know they need me too but being able to be there for someone is quite difficult when you can't even think for yourself or know yourself anymore.
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This is the last picture of her alive. She rapidly went
downhill from here. |
I am lost without Rebecca. I put my life on hold to give her a life and a fighting chance in this world. Did we make the right decision with doing the cardiac cath procedure? I don't know the answer to that question and I may never know. I struggle with this question everyday since she has been gone. It is a ever lasting battle that I face everyday when I wake up. My precious baby has been taken from me so suddenly and tragically that I suffer from PTSD and I have trouble going out in public without having an anxiety attack. I haven't even gone back to work yet because of it. The events of her last day play constantly in my mind. I can't sleep at night because of the nightmares and some days I just sit around in a daze. My anxiety has gotten better as I venture a little more but it has taken a long time. This past week was the first time I was able to go grocery shopping alone and not have a panic attack.
People keep asking what can they do to help. There is nothing really anyone can do for me, not even John. Being understanding and patient with me is all I ask. I will not just snap back to my old self. I will never be my old self again. I even question whether or not I will be a good Mom to Annabelle after the events. How can I help her when I couldn't even protect Rebecca?
The decisions that day that John and I had to make is something no parent should have to go through. We refused to place her on ecmo because we did not want to cause her anymore pain or sticks. In order to be placed on ecmo they would have had to cut into both sides of her neck in order to circulate her blood for her bypassing her lungs and heart. This was something that we could not live with especially since trying to take her off would have been very difficult task if she was even able to be taken off. Having doctors present that choice to you is not something you think you would ever hear, I certainly didn't. They were so positive after her cath procedure that I thought we were winning the battle.
Unfortunately we will never know what truly happened that day because we refused an autopsy. She had already been through so much that just the thought of them performing one shattered my heart. The hospital was nice enough that they allowed me to walk her downstairs to the morgue. I couldn't let someone else take her to a new place without my presence. The funeral home even let us hold her before anyone got to the viewing. It was our last time holding our wonder women.
I have been told that the pain does not go away, it will get easier with time or you learn to live with the pain in a way that will make you function again. Right now, for me, I can't say that is true. I still go to bed at night crying. She has been gone for 2.5 months and it still has not gotten easier. Annabelle asks about Rebecca, she points at her in pictures and says that is her sister Becca, she plays with Rebecca's wonder woman bear. When she does this, all I can think about is those two growing up together and playing, laughing, getting into trouble together and being there for each other but that was taken from us. Rebecca's first steps, her first day of school, graduation, college, wedding, watching her grow old was taken from us and that is something we have to live with the rest of our lives. Not being able to hear them laugh and play together, knowing she did not meet all her cousins nor aunts/uncles is a resentment I will have forever. People keep telling me she is in a better place but what better place is there than being in your Mother's arms?
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I got this tattoo to in her remembrance. Those are
the actual size of her feet from her last day
on February 14. |
I started this blog to document Rebecca's life and the strength we found to move forward with our decisions in that time. Strength is a relative term that can mean so many things to many people. For me, strength is getting up everyday and trying to move forward, place one foot in front of the other. Losing a child puts a strain on any relationship you have, whether it be with friends or family. Unfortunately, losing someone, especially a child shows people's true colors in who you call friends and family. People who you thought were your family and thought they cared turn out to be just another face and friends you thought were lost come back in the most amazing ways to support you like family. I live each day with a broken heart that will never be fully healed, it may be mended at one point in time but the scars and memories will remain.
